The Art of Arguing
How many times have you gotten into an argument with someone only to come away with nothing accomplished, feelings hurt, or the relationship soured? This can happen for many reasons, but more often than not it is because we fail to practice a great biblical truth-humility. In Ephesians 5:20-21 Paul presents a principle that he intends to govern all of our relationships. In the text he says, “giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.” Verse 21 is of the utmost importance to us as we discuss the art of arguing. Paul instructs us to submit ourselves to one another out of the fear of the Lord. The word “submit” carries with it the idea of humility, meaning we are to humble ourselves to one another and in doing so we are following the example of Christ. We humble ourselves because Christ humbled himself, he put our good ahead of his own, our well-being ahead of his own, our safety before his own. If we can begin with humility, the manner in which we disagree with others will drastically change and I suggest, have the potential to have dramatic differences in outcome.
Beginning with humility, may I suggest we resolve to do three things when you disagree with a person.
Resolve to See the Person
Resolve to see the person before you see the problem. Recognize the person you have an issue with is created in the same image of God as you. Being created in the image of God means that every person has worth and value and is to be respected and shown dignity. Resolving to see the person also means not attacking the character of the person. Too often when we argue we shift from dealing with the issues we are upset with and begin attacking the person and their character. Instead of solving the issue, this tactic actually creates a different issue and turns attention away from the original problem. Finally, resolving to see the person means, no matter what, you do not view the person as the enemy, but as a person. Just because a person stands on the opposite side of an issue from you does not mean they are your enemy, no matter how you feel.
Before arguing, Resolve to See the Person:
- View each person as created in the image of God
- Don’t attack the character of the person
- Don’t view the person as an enemy
Resolve to Solve the Problem
Many times, when we begin arguing with someone, we do so simply to voice a complaint or disagreement with no intent to actually solve the problem. Approach the issue with determination to work together to solve the problem. As you partner together, deal with one problem at a time. Rarely, is there a singular issue present. More often than not there are underlying or secondary issues effecting or leading the current problem. Resolve to deal with one problem at a time and in doing so you can work with the person, build upon the success of figuring out one issue, and then move on to the next. Resolving to solve the problem also means learning to address the problem from multiple perspectives. Many times when arguing, the two parties agree on the problem, but disagree on how to attack the issue. Realize that your understanding of the problem or its solution may not be the only way to perceive the issue, it may not be the best way to solve it. Finally, when seeking to solve a problem, be ready to be wrong. There have been many instances in my life in which I had to admit I was wrong. Sometimes I may not have had all the information, the information I had was incorrect, or I might have just flat out been wrong. Be ready to be wrong and be ready to admit when you are wrong. Failure to admit when you are wrong, while troublesome, is not the most dangerous aspect. The pride associated with the inability to admit mistakes is much more dangerous.
Before arguing, Resolve to Solve the Problem
- Deal with one issue at a time
- Address the problem from multiple perspectives
- Be ready to be wrong
Resolve to Stay Connected
The third tip in the art of arguing is to resolve to stay connected. God has placed us in various types of relationships with others and sometimes what ends up defining the relationship is a particular problem instead of the people in those relationships. A problem defines a relationship when it is continually brought up. When this happens, it is evident the problem was never truly solved. Solve the problem and resolve to not bring it up later as evidence or fuel for the next argument. Staying connected also means believing that people are more important than problems and even solutions. If in the process of solving a problem a relationship is severed, was the problem actually solved? We must value people over solutions, recognizing God has placed us in our various relationships to honor him by honoring one another. Finally, in order to stay connected beyond the problem, commit to practicing humility for the sake of fellowship. Commit to not always having to do things your way or having your demands met over others. Practice humility and allow the Holy Spirit to work through you in the relationship for the glory of God.
Before arguing, Resolve to Stay Connected
- The problem should not define the relationship
- People are more important than problems
- Practice humility for the sake of fellowship
Approach arguments in such a way that in the end God has been glorified.
God Bless,
Bro. Brad